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So, I've been here already for 7 months, and I'd have to say its never a dull moment! I'd also have to say that, as much as people look at my life and the things I do and say "that doesn't look so difficult", I'd like to smack those people in the face with a raw carcass of beef and let them know that its a LOT more difficult then it looks to be a missionary. I may not be poor and I may not struggling in certain areas of my life like missionaries in other areas are, but I'm struggling all the same. I came into this thing answering questions that, at the time I answered them, thought it would be a breeze to say with the commitment of my answers. I mean, I was able to uphold my commitments in Canada with ease, and I've been to Japan so it shouldn't be to hard right? How wrong I am in thinking that I'm better then I actually am. It has become increasingly difficult to uphold certain things of my commitment. I'm not saying I have broken my commitments (because to me the thought of breaking them is far worse), but the painful feeling of standing up under temptation has been increased 10 fold, and I'm overwhelmed. Of course, I'm not one to give up, and if you know me I never let anything get in my way. But I'm learning everyday that I need Christ's Salvation, grace and mercy everyday of my life. And because i'm here now, I have to depend even MORE on him then ever (not that I would have to depend on Him and less if I was in Canada, but you get the picture) being in a different world, I have to change who I am and be flexible and increasingly sensitive to the practices, the habits and the ways things are done in Japan and within J-house. I've been incredibly rebuked and corrected, and humbly I accept what was is given to me, now I just need to adjust and change what needs to be done...and stick to it.
I wonder if, whoever reads this, if you all know what I would be talking about hahaha
peace
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| There are times in life where things in life get so good, we let our guards down, forgetting where we are and who we're dealing with. It looks like I've done that and just realized it now. Though I'm in an international church, with Christians, english speakers and many foreigners, I still have to remember, I'm dealing with Japanese people. I got a little too comfortable thinking I could treat people the way I did in Canada, but God is reminding me, I'm not in Canada, so I cannot be the same way, and I'm reaping the consequences. Hard lessons and correction, it hurts to go through, but we'll never grow unless it happens. Time to take everything to the next level.
just gotta back up a bit, dust myself off a bit, then get right back into it
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So, its been a while since I've touched this personal blog of mine, but now somethings starting to run in my head so I thought i'd write a little about it.
I've been hit with this statement a hundred times, before I came to japan, and even AFTER coming. For those of you who read this and are curious to what I am talking about, the statement is "You're gonna come back with a wife". The basic logic to this statement is that I'm gonna get married in Japan to Japanese girl. Now I gotta admit, Before I coming here, my view towards Japanese girls wasn't a good one. Being in Japan for the first few years taught me that Japanese girls were all the same. They're cute at first, but once you've seen one, you've basically seen them all. From the Brown dyed hair, to the same fashion sense that they all have.....they are what the phrase would describe as cookie cut, all from the same frame. So I was totally dismissing the statement because at that point, I didn't like Japanese girls, wasn't remotely attracted to them because of the steez that put out there.
Buuuuutttttt....it was only after coming here to J-house and doing missions here, and deciding to want to stay here as long as possible that I started to consider being married to a Japanese Christian girl...to the point I think there's no other option lol. I guess God showed me through other people that Japanese Christian girls are just like other Christian girls, created by Him and saved through grace to worship him. Plus, having a Japanese significant other would help me understand Japan in ways that I would never be able to understand being a foreigner. So being humbled by his ultimate wisdom, I have come this point where, if I ever get married, it would have to be to a Japanese girl.....
Now with all that being said (it wasn't even the point to this blog), and even though I'm not allowed to even date for another 8 months (which is fine and dandy to me since that's not what I came here for in the first place), I still started to think about what would happen if I started to remotely be interested in anyone and vice versa. Now, my expectations have really gone down in the girl that I wanna get married to. Basically down to this: Christian girl that knows what she wants in her life and knows WHO she gives her life to....which, for is anyone is wondering, is Jesus Christ, and of course, I must be attracted to her......everything else is just a bonus. I figure now that, as much as judge people, and I really shouldn't, God has made everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, unique. So the person that people think would have no substance in them, GOD has made unique with something they would only understand. So, hey, I can't judge really, everyone has substance, so whomp there it is. At the same time, I'm not perfect, so I can't expect perfection, just a person that worships God, no matter what her past was like also. Now after thinking about that, I started to wonder, what about me? Would who I am now satisfy my possible future wife? I've been told that the J-soldiers here in church are really popular with the girls because, we're missionaries. We must be strong in Christ in order to serve full time in ministry. Now thinking of that, that's fine and dandy....but knowing myself, if I was to start dating someone, would they like who I am, not just as a J-soldier, but personally?
I started to think about my flaws and list them: I'm insensitive and mean, sarcastic, rash, sometimes impatient, sometimes cynical, I can let anger get the best of me at times, Judgmental, competitive, I sometimes curse, Indifferent.....and the lists goes on. Then at the same time, I'm living a life that I dunno if any girl really wants to be a part of. a missionary. I do not get a lot of money, my life, even though my weeks are on a set schedule most of the time, is still very unpredictable.....
As I listed down these things, I started to think, "this is gonna be hard!" I would have to find someone that would accept ALL these things about me....man......
well, right now, I'm cool, its not like I can date right now anyway. I'll just keep focusing on Christ.
yeah I know, this was out of the blue, but I wanted to just get it out of my mind
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Sometimes in life, there are gonna be times where your name is forgotten, where no one remembers who you are or where you are, when the people that you know stop talking to you and people that you don't know start talking about you in negative ways, theres gonna be a time where no one responds to you or tries to contact you, you'll feel like you've been thrown to the wolves to fend for yourself
but in all things, God will never leave you nor forsake you, you are never truly alone in your life, even when people forget who and where you are, He never does, so no matter what happens, it doesnt matter because he is carrying you through
I lost faith for a bit there, but my purpose remains. I will carry it out no matter who forgets about me, who talks about me, My God will be there for me and he WILL defend me
dusting my feet off and moving on.....
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After being on the mission field for a couple of months, I started to see a few things I've never seen before. About my life in Canada and my life here. Not saying that my life now is better then it ever was (well I would like to think now that my life now, i'm in the best place God wants me to be at the moment), or that my life is better then anyone elses (I've learnt that comparisons tend to destroy yourself and the other people around you), but after being here for a little while, I realized something. Being in Canada and seeing what I did with my life and the money I was given, I wasted so much time and effort on certain things when I could have been building them up for this moment right now. Not that I regret anything that I have done, because I don't and its too late to start regretting things now, but I'm starting to realize that we in the west use our money on the most useless things, meaningless, whether it be relationships, food or food places, money, power, clothes, etc when in the end , none of those things will matter.....not that they're bad or anything, but I guess seeing everything as it is and living off whatever the church is willing to give me, I understand what kind of trap the western world can get into with what is gained, and why we become stingy and selfish at times.....
forgive us Father, for we know not what we do.....
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